Interracial Relationships

Interracial relationships are the best and worst of white supremacy, and various power networks and systems. Man/woman relationships are compounded by patriarchy. International relationships are complex as well, but the power dynamic of race is substantial. I speak to US racialization. The world of race is complex and each country has its own history and slant on the problem. I have been in close relationships with Black women since 1982. My experience is not in academia or in the movement for Black lives. My experience for many years was deep personal relationships. From my perspective at the time I was just present. I didn't push the race issue except to be present and listen, like a spy. I didn't get much trust in the situation.

I met my first Black girlfriend at a thrift store in Twinbrook. She was the store manager. I have always been a thrift store shopper and still am. It was amazing to get behind the scenes. I don't remember the beginning of our relationship. Toward the end of our relationship I met her parents. She told me about her family. Her brother was in prison for a long time. That relationship lasted 9 months. I was beginning to love her, but she wanted a baby. I made it clear that was not in my plan at that point. That was it.

I had kissed a Black woman in high school, one of the two Black women at our school. I had dated various white women but those relationships ended. I didn't get into a Black woman only type of streak. At the time I was dating my first Black girlfriend I worked at Merrill Lynch Securities. The department I worked in was managed by a gay Black man. 1982! That was pretty progressive. My supervisor was also Black. I left that job after 3 years. I gave my girlfriend a recommendation and as far as I know she worked there for a while. This had been a very light, short romance. There was no complexity at all on my part. I was young and really didn't learn much from the relationship.

I met a Black guy shortly afterwards and we became friends. His name was Rudy and also went by Tony. We hung out together at Black clubs for a few years. We would go out as much as 7 nights a week. I wasn't chasing exoticness. We went to jazz clubs, strip clubs, dance clubs. There was one place that would close down at 4 or 5 and shut off the lights. It was there way of getting around the rules of serving alcohol after hours. I rarely danced with anyone and never went home with anyone or brought them home. It was just hanging out in another culture. I enjoyed the culture.

My latest interracial relationship started in 1998 and continues today. We dated for 5 years and we have been married after that. I have two interracial kids from previous relationships. Only in this longer relationship did we really delve into race stuff. Also, of course, I am older and maybe not so obvious I am more mature. We explored race together as part of a church mission group on racism. We read books and had discussions. We watched movies and went to workshops and other trainings.

As I spent time learning I threw myself into it. With the wealth of information I gained I was shocked by what I didn't know. I had long felt compassion and an intuitive understanding, but the evidence that was being distributed was overwhelming. The power of Black voices rising was inspiring and shocking for me.